Fossil fuel industry pledges to “leave oil in the ground”

In an unprecedented move, the fossil fuel industry has decided to down tools and cease operations for good. Fossil fuel companies have been funding research into carbon pollution and been aware of the dangers of rising global temperatures since the 1960s. Its only taken them around 70 years, but they’ve decided now that enough is enough.

A representative from the multi-trillion dollar industry, Mr. Peter Lock said that “we’ve drilled literally everywhere in the world and made more cash than a medium-sized country. It feels like the right time to hang up our boots”.

Lands and lives have been lost in the fossil fuel industry’s ruthless pursuit of profit over the last century. Communities around the world have been displaced and homes have been destroyed to make way for resource-razing extraction methods to promote whatever-you-want lifestyles.

One boss, Mr. Don Keigh said “a few of us CEOs met for a Zoom pint on Thursday after work and we were all saying how guilty we felt about ruining so much stuff! I guess we’ve always loved the backslaps we get from our shareholders – their eyes light up when we explain how many millions we’ve made in our weekly status update meetings. It really does justify the plundering." Mr. Keigh continues: “However, we came to the decision that actually we have plenty of money and how about we now give the Earth a chance to heal?”

The pledge sees an industry-wide commitment to leave the Earth's remaining oil and gas in the ground, which 100% of every type of expert confirms will reduce the impact on the global climate crisis.